There are several things you might do in a relationship. Don’t.
- If s/he asks you what’s wrong, remember to answer surly “nothing”, shrug your shoulders and leave it at that.
- Leave dirty dishes around the house. Especially on low tables where dogs can get to them and spread them even further around the house.
- Flirt with your partners’ friend, hint suggestively that you might be available. Nothing spices up a relationship like a little jealousy.
- Assume that since you have a demanding job (as does your partner), you don’t need to do anything around the house. Your job/position is still more important, so you simply don’t have the time or energy or desire to do anything. And why should you?
- Demand that s/he never changes. You should get what you asked for, no later revisions allowed.
- Remember to tell your partner how you really feel about him/her after having a few drinks.
- Sell yourself short. Give up your ideals. Your partner knows best.
- Keep to yourself your deal-breakers. Nothing’s as fun as your partner finding out after five years into the relationship that you actually hate kids and never want to have any.
- Put yourself first. It’s survival of the fittest and you’re the fittest.
- Complain about your partner to anyone who listens. And even to those who don’t. It’s important people learn the truth.
- Be honest to yourself about what possible went wrong in your previous relationship. Nothing good can come from dredging up old, useless information
- Tell your partner how you feel. Ever. They can read your mind and therefore there’s no need to tell them anything.
- Try to find common ground or make compromises. Ultimatums with a quick deadline are the way to go.
- Ever let anyone know you would have some imperfections. Since you are perfect, that’s easy.
- Tell your partner if you’re going to do something with your friends the whole weekend. You’re not accountable for anything you do, to anyone.
- Ask for advice on anything. You know what’s best for you.
- Stop talking about your wonderful ex. It’s so rewarding when you compare your current and ex – to ex’s favor of course.
- Cling to your partner, and ask repeatedly “do you really love me?” They just love reassuring you of it the umpteenth time.
- Respect your partner. They don’t deserve it, stupid fuckers.
- Support your partner in need. It’s their problem, not yours.
And after following all these guidelines, you can ask “what relationship?”