There are several things you might do in a relationship. Don’t.


  • If s/he asks you what’s wrong, remember to answer surly “nothing”, shrug your shoulders and leave it at that.
  • Leave dirty dishes around the house. Especially on low tables where dogs can get to them and spread them even further around the house.
  • Flirt with your partners’ friend, hint suggestively that you might be available. Nothing spices up a relationship like a little jealousy.
  • Assume that since you have a demanding job (as does your partner), you don’t need to do anything around the house. Your job/position is still more important, so you simply don’t have the time or energy or desire to do anything. And why should you?
  • Demand that s/he never changes. You should get what you asked for, no later revisions allowed.
  • Remember to tell your partner how you really feel about him/her after having a few drinks.
  • Sell yourself short. Give up your ideals. Your partner knows best.
  • Keep to yourself your deal-breakers. Nothing’s as fun as your partner finding out after five years into the relationship that you actually hate kids and never want to have any.
  • Put yourself first. It’s survival of the fittest and you’re the fittest.
  • Complain about your partner to anyone who listens. And even to those who don’t. It’s important people learn the truth.heart-289711_640


  • Be honest to yourself about what possible went wrong in your previous relationship. Nothing good can come from dredging up old, useless information
  • Tell your partner how you feel. Ever. They can read your mind and therefore there’s no need to tell them anything.
  • Try to find common ground or make compromises. Ultimatums with a quick deadline are the way to go.
  • Ever let anyone know you would have some imperfections. Since you are perfect, that’s easy.
  • Tell your partner if you’re going to do something with your friends the whole weekend. You’re not accountable for anything you do, to anyone.
  • Ask for advice on anything. You know what’s best for you.
  • Stop talking about your wonderful ex. It’s so rewarding when you compare your current and ex – to ex’s favor of course.
  • Cling to your partner, and ask repeatedly “do you really love me?” They just love reassuring you of it the umpteenth time.
  • Respect your partner. They don’t deserve it, stupid fuckers.
  • Support your partner in need. It’s their problem, not yours.

And after following all these guidelines, you can ask “what relationship?”


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3 thoughts on “Relationship Do’s and Don’t’s

  1. Samantha Pilling

    Another cracking post.

    You forgot to mention leaving wet towels on the bed (that’ll be me) and being convinced that you’re uber tidy when you’re actually the opposite (that’ll be my husband).

    I was honest with him recently and told him that after 15 years of being together I really don’t like Chrysanthemums (it’s pretty much the only type of flowers he’s ever bought me – only took me 15 years to tell him). Typically he laughed and hasn’t bought me flowers at all since (bugger, that backfired!).

    Keep up the great posts!


  2. Victoria Virgo

    This is very funny. Makes me think of someone standing up saying “Hey! You are not the boss of me!” lol 🙂

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