Question: (Sorry this is so long! Hahah)
Okay, so here is my problem. I met a guy last year in late July (almost ten months or so ago) and we dated for almost six months, from late September to late March. I was desperately in love with him from the start. He’s an amazing person and I honestly, truly cannot see myself without him (even if it means just being friends — he literally seems like the kind of person who I will grow old with). We know everything about each other and there are no secrets between us, or at least I haven’t kept any from him.
Here’s where it becomes confusing: When he broke up with me, he told me that he no longer loved me. He said that he had loved me, but didn’t anymore. This broke my heart so badly that I felt like killing myself (that’s almost pathetic, I know, but oh well). I was so utterly in love with him at the time, he was literally ALL I could think about, nonstop. I did the whole stupid crazy-exgirlfriend-thing at first but then I realized what I was doing so I immediately stopped that (I wish I could take it back, I hate how I acted so much!! I realize now that it didn’t help one bit, but at least I know better that to act like that now, right? Agh!!) Anyway — But lately he has been telling me that he might still have feelings for me. A week after he broke up with me, he told me that he loved me — but he was lying. He “thought it might work out” or something. But it’s been almost a month and a half since then and he’s still saying that he might have feelings for me. MIGHT have feelings for me. One night he’ll be like “I love you”, and then literally almost the next night he’ll be like “I don’t know if I really do”. I just don’t know if I can wait for him anymore. I really, really want to stay with him but he is so indecisive. I feel like I deserve better but I honestly don’t think I could possibly find anyone else like him. In my eyes, he is perfect, minus being indecisive.
Okay, so ~~ He says he might still love me but he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know, and can’t ever decide. He says that he wants time but I just don’t think I can give him anymore time. The past month and a half have been soo dreadful (I know it might not seem like a long time at all — I agree — but it really feels like it’s been forever).
Also, I don’t know if I really love him anymore. I think my love for him in that way might be dying. I think I might just love him in a brother kind of way now. I really honeslty cannot imagine losing him, though.
So, these are what I think are my options:
A.) Wait for him and be lonely until he figures it out (what if he FINALLYY decides, and decides that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? I guess I’d have to go to plan B then, which I don’t want to do!)
B.) Leave him (not that we’re going out, but we’re still involved) and be lonely until I find somebody else, but who could possibly be like him? He is literally JUST like me, that’s why was so devastated when I lost him. It was like losing my other half.
I sound crazy, don’t I? Haha.. reading this over, I sound stupid.. :/ What do you think I should do?..
P.S. We still talk almost every other day or so. He comes over once a week or every other week and we still have sex. I just don’t know if he’s using me for sex or not, though. Should I stop having sex with him and see how he reacts
Hot Potatoe: Oh.. this is way way too easy 😀 Stop having sex with him and see what happens!
Okay, since you wrote a detailed question, you deserve a little longer answer 🙂
While I was reading your question, the first thing that popped into my mind was “hmm.. is she still having sex with him”.. and of course, you are!
So. Let’s brake it into bits.
You say you were made for each other and you loved him and had no secrets etc. But do you know he was equally strongly into you?
He was the one who broke up with you, so there is the possibility that he never was that deeply in love with you – usually love doesn’t end or fade away after a few months unless Something Happens (cheating, disappointments or something..).
I understand you felt like losing your other half, but did he? You were in it completely and seriously, but was he..?
I’m pretty sure as soon as you decline sex, you will learn his true feelings for you. But in any case, think about yourself for a while: do you deserve to be a woman that someone might love? Who can’t decide if he loves you?
Loving someone is hardly a decision-thing – it’s more like involuntary reflex. (And now I’m not talking about the in-a-relationships-love that actually does require a decision to stick it out in a way. I’m talking about falling-for-someone-hard-kinda-love, where you just can’t help yourself.)
Don’t you deserve a man that will fall for you, love you and respect you and cherish you and know that he loves you? Why do you need to find someone like him? He’s not Mr. Perfect, he dumped you!! He has good qualities and assets I’m sure, but so do many other men.
You don’t want his clone, you want a man, that has the same good qualities as this one has! And I’d say he’s really lacking in the affection department… He’s not indecisive as such, he just now has his cake and eats it! Why oh why would he give an excellent situation like that up?
You doing the grazy ex-gf thingie is just normal – at least you understand that it went overboard and don’t keep on doing it. You have a right to feel upset and hurt if he dumping you came as a surprise.You’re neither crazy or dumb, you just don’t value yourself enough. Your leading thought should always be: I DESERVE THE BEST! And this situation, it is not the best. One thing that stuck out in your question: ” B.) Leave him (not that we’re going out, but we’re still involved) and be lonely until I find somebody else, but who could possibly be like him? ”
Why do you need to be in a relationship necessarily? I know, I know, you like having someone who you can love and who loves you and all that rosy stuff, but just stop for a while and think about this: do you want to be with someone, or do you just not want to be alone? If the latter, you should definitely and absolutely spend some time alone, learning about yourself, who you are, what you want and what you deserve in life. It looks like he had a good time with you in the past, for a few months (a fling..) and now he just likes you for sex.
What you have to decide is if that kind of arrangement is enough for you. He will not make any decisions now (since he doesn’t love you now, (if he ever did), and he will enjoy the ride while it lasts.
You have to decide if you want to hang in a dead-end thing, getting crumbs instead of a whole meal. I strongly recommend that in any case you take some time to figure out who you are, why do you make choices that you make, what you value, what you want in life and in a relationship and then see how you feel about him and he about you.
You might learn some interesting things about yourself as long as you stop to listen carefully and face yourself honestly. Not easy, I know, but worth the trouble I assure you!