Confusing relationship part 2

Question: “Hey, it’s me again.. and I’m still stuck with the same old problems, but with a few new added ones. What are they, you ask? Another girl. You remember how he didn’t know if he loved me or not? Now, not only that, but he also doesn’t know if he loves HER or not. He “doesn’t know” if he loves either of us. I’m getting really tired of all of this, and I’d really like to drop it all, but I can’t. I don’t know why, but I can’t. Honestly, I don’t even know if I care about being in a relationship with him anymore. I still love him, yes, but I think I’ve given up hope completely this time.
So.. problems: there “might” be another girl, and I don’t know if I care anymore.

The girl — I feel like she’s better than me. I feel like she’s going to get him and I won’t. I also feel like she’s getting more attention even though he says we’re equal. Well, that’s just what he says. I don’t know if that’s how he really feels but I don’t think he lies to me. I understand why he would now, though.

Do I care? — I’m just so tired of it all, but I can’t just up and leave. I really, really care about him and would like to be with him, but I just don’t know if I CARE, like I said. I love him to death.. but I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore either. I know that I deserve better, of course I do. But it’s so hard to just leave him like that.

 My friends have been telling me that he’s no good for me (on almost everything we talk about that involves him) and that I should stop trying. That he’s not worth it. I get it, I do. But HOW do I just leave?

My question here is: HOW do I do this? Do I just stop talking to him? Do I stop seeing him in person? Do I stop talking to him on the phone?

I know that I should stop having sex with him, which I will stop. I’ve only had sex with him once since I asked you the previous question, and I knew it was a bad idea, but I don’t think it worsened anything.

It’s just that, I think that if I stop talking to him, he won’t bother to come and talk to me. Will he?.. I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to find out, right?

Is that what I should do? Krissy


Hot Potatoe: Oh you just keep on going back for more.

For a girl who doesn’t care you seem to use an awful lot of time and energy on someone who you think you don’t care about.

So let’s start with honesty: you still have feelings for him, you still have dreams/illusions about you two ending up together. These things may not be apparent, but these feeling are guiding you.

But again: in bit and pieces:
a) the other girl. Who cares about her? Who cares if he likes her or not? Why should she play any part in your life? He might like her, he might use her for sex, anything is possible. He could also use her to keep you stringing along and I have to say, he seems pretty good at it: he’s otten you into wanting him more.

” The girl — I feel like she’s better than me. I feel like she’s going to get him and I won’t.”
Hmm.. Did you ever even have him? You can NOT keep someone by force. If he ever was yours, he would’ve stayed with you if he’d wanted. But he doesn’t. He’s playing the field, he’s playing you. The big question is: why do you let yourself be played?

b) Your friends are of course more objective on this issue and of course you should listen to them. And of course you won’t 😀 People never do, they never listen to reason and they always end up making mistakes.

c) One of the hardest things is letting go. You want to leave and see if he’ll follow.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think he will. If he’d wanted you in the first place, you wouldn’t be sending a stranger questions about your “relationship”, you’d be with him enjoying life.

d) So how to do it in practice? Well, first you have to decide that you actually want to stop seeing him. It seems you’re still hung up on him big time and are just trying to find excuses to be with him. Quite understandable, but as long as you’re not honest with yourself, you won’t be able to let go. The reasonable side of you knows that you should not see him ever again. But since you are seeing through emotional glasses, you just can’t seem to disentangle yourself.

You could of course decide that okay, “I’m honest, I don’t want let him go. I’ll make to with scraps”. Then you do that. Let him have you and one, two, three other women in his life and just settle for what little you get. But do you want to settle? Don’t you want the best life has to offer? Aren’t you good enough, don’t you deserve the best?

Until you do grasp that you deserve much more, much better, you won’t be able to let go. You will keep on torturing yourself with this man.

“I’ve only had sex with him once since I asked you the previous question, and I knew it was a bad idea, but I don’t think it worsened anything.” Actually it did. It led you down a path where you let yourself dream and hope for things that will most probably never happen.

You are doing this to yourself. If you value yourself, you will treat yourself better.

And then the concrete solution: stop being in contact with him. Delete his e-mail address, erase him from your phone (or at least put him in don’t-answer category so you don’t accidentally answer him), do not call or contact him in any way.

Make a decision: “for the next month I won’t contact him”. After that, again another month.
If he comes after you (which he might, for the sex at least), don’t be available. Give yourself time to heal.

Give him time to do whatever he wants – it’s none of your business anymore.

” It’s just that, I think that if I stop talking to him, he won’t bother to come and talk to me. Will he?.. I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to find out, right?”

This sentence more than anything tells me you are way too deeply emotionally hung up on him still.  It will be very tough to realize that he might not come after you – and that will actually be a good thing in the long run. It will be hard to be unavailable, but it’s the only way, since every contact will draw you to the flame  again.. and do you want to keep on begging for more burn marks??

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