Ex-boyfriends’ reasoning

Question: My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a while and everything seemed perfectly okay and he seemed happy to me. He never acted sad or annoyed by me, nothing negative towards me. We got along so well and we would always tell each other we love each other. Everything was great.. until last Tuesday. I was talking to him and I said something about whatever the topic was and then I added “I love you” to it. He responded to everything but the “I love you”, so I said it again and he said it back. I asked him if he is sure, and he said he doesn’t know. The next day we talked about it again and he told me he wants to be alone. I asked him why and he replied with “I need time to get to know myself again”.

I asked him if there was something wrong with me and he said no. He then told me that he feels bad about having sex (we’re underage [not by much].. please don’t judge me for that, I know I know. also, he’s Christian [but I’m not]) and that he’s seen what it does to people. He said he wasn’t happy. I asked how long he had been feeling this way and he said for about a month, that he’s been trying to ignore it. I asked him if he loves me and he said no. He doesn’t. I had him look me in the eyes and say it, also. I told him that he doesn’t HAVE to love me because our relationship isn’t too serious and we only been dating for under a year.

He understood, but still wanted to break up. He said it had nothing to do with me, that I’m great, etc. etc.

So, he needs time alone and he doesn’t love me but there’s nothing wrong with me.

If there’s nothing wrong with me, then why does he want to break up? He said there isn’t anyone else.

1.) Does he still want me in his life? If you don’t know, then how do I find out without being direct?
2.) Does “being alone” mean that we can date again later on or does it mean never again? How do I find out without sounding obsessive?
3.) Should I just ditch his ass?

I guess he just doesn’t see himself ever loving me. Agree? Aubrey”

Hot Potatoe: One thing is certain in life – you can’t make someone love you. And you can’t change someone else, you can only change how you react to the other person.

So, he’s not sure, he doesn’t love you. That can very well be true. And equally true is that in a way, it isn’t about you.

He may have qualms about your relationship (maybe because of the sex or the religion part) and that has made him think what he wants in life and how he wants to live his life. That may not include pre-marital sex, who knows..

So it could be that he has had this internal conflict about his need and desires in life and they have guided him to notice that you two do not share the same things.

It has nothing to do with your actions; it may just be that he has noticed that what he felt for you earlier just isn’t there anymore. Unfortunately that happens, and not at all necessarily because of something you said or did.

Then your specific questions:

1.) Does he still want me in his life? If you don’t know, then how do I find out without being direct?

What’s bad about being direct? Why oh why do people always rather assume things than find out for real? If you talk to him, and ask him, you will know for sure, no if’s, ends or butts. What’s the downside of knowing for real, from the “horses mouth” how he really feels?
Just talk to him!!
You don’t have to do it in an obsessive way, you can just say “so that I can move on in life – is this it?” And if he says yes, then say “thanks, be well and prosper” and move on.

2.) Does “being alone” mean that we can date again later on or does it mean never again? How do I find out without sounding obsessive?

Well, this will be answered also best by him: how does he see his future? He may not have any specific plans (often women do more than men so don’t be surprised) other than seeing what life will bring him.

Why do you want him to try to “commit” himself to something he doesn’t probably want to (a question about the future is sort of like asking him to promise you something)?

And more important: if you two have broken up or brake up, your responsibility to yourself is to live your life. That means, you’ll mourn the loss of this relationship and then move on when it feels good. You might meet new interesting people, or not. In any case, you do NOT sit and wait for him to make up his mind about you two.

You have to make up your mind of your relationship. You have to figure out what you want in life – don’t just wait for him to react. You can make choices and changes in your life as well, not just be a response to his actions.

3.) Should I just ditch his ass?

Well…Start by thinking what it is you want and what you deserve in life. Do you want to keep pining after a man who seems not to want you?

Why not just live your life, let him live his and if in the future he’s interested in you and looks you up, and if you’re free and available, then you see how you feel about him?

And PS: always, I mean ALWAYS remember to use contraception when you have sex!!! You do not want to have the added problem of a possible pregnancy in you life!

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