Question: ” I have a friend (girl) who is seeing a guy that is completely wrong for her.
How you say? Well, they meet only when it suits him (never when she has her kids over or when we (her friends) are there. If I go there when he is there, he leaves).
It may go weeks that he doesn’t contact her and when he does, he acts just like nothing happened. Every time my friend gets fed up with this and tries to brake it off, he does some admission.
For example, one time my friend got really angry at him and said she wanted to brake up. After weeks of silence, he answered with hurt expression that “OK, we can split, it’s your choice, but I just booked us a trip abroad..” And you can guess what happened again.
This leads me to my question: How shall I relate to this? My friend is suffering but defends him all the time because he is so great to her when they are together. I am not allowed to say anything bad of him or we start arguing. Shall I tell her what is on my mind and risk losing a friend or keep quiet and go mad…? Christina”
Hot Potatoe: Although I’d love to start calling the guy a real jerk, the key issue is not him, but your relationship to your friend and her situation.You have some choices:
1. You tell your friend what’s on your mind
2. You keep quiet
3. You listen, but do not comment. Maybe your friend does not want a change but someone to talk to and with whom to “drown” in it. Your friend might have a codependency-problem – she doesn’t want to be alone: “better with a bastard than alone”.You can’t live her life for her.
Could be that she is completely blind to his faults and is humbly happy over the crumbs he tosses her. Or then she knows the truth, but because of fear of ending up alone or masochism she does not want to change the situation. Or, she is okay with all of this.
Could be, that the most important thing in your friends life is to get to talk and talk and talk about it, not to really make a change..You can not change her and you can not resolve the situation – sorry, that’s just the way it is!
And remember, the definition “he is wrong for her” is your definition..;-)You could recommend her the book “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them” (Susan Forward). Could be that the book helps her or then she could be wondering why you’re offering her this weird book.
She could have an “alcoholics’ view to the world”: one drink/cigarette/fix/contact won’t hurt..” And as you can not get an alcoholist to stop drinking, you can not make her change her relation to this man. You’ll just get frustrated – so why bother yourself with it? Let her do what she wants with her life!